Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Another Post Of Random Thoughts.....

Ok, this time, its 1 am in the morning, so sue me! I'm having trouble sleeping these days, mind filled with a lot things not supposed to be thinking in Form 6, when you're having STPM in like 11 months or so. I don't think I can lie to myself anymore, matters of the heart are really affecting me badly these days, I can't concentrate on a lot of things, I pretend that life is all well, but I'm so messed up inside because I can't make the decision of whether to accept the way I feel about someone or to uphold my duties as a student and a son and stop thinking about "LOVE", there I said it. I keep thinking that Its just a phase where I will grow out from because this is seriously not the time to be thinking of these things. And I find out, the more I'm trying to avoid it, the more I think about it and it bugs me more than ever. Don't get me wrong, I love thinking about romance, it practically lifts my spirits up when I think about it, just that the timing is not right, and its really hard for me to control my emotions. I can't control my emotions......only my actions..... Sometimes I feel so pissed I would like to just bang my head on the wall. Its STPM year and what the hell am I thinking??? And when I ask friends "what should I do?", the 1st thing is, think your books, not love or emotional support, you can do that by your own, but to tell you the truth, I can't...... Or maybe just like my last post, I'm just escaping adulthood, escaping my responsibilities..... Over and over I think it again, is it because I'm lacking something right now in my life, that it just render me unmotivated to do anything, or am I just escaping my responsibilities as it is? Most people will tell me the 2nd 1, I can tell you that, and will think that I'm childish, or maybe its just me fighting with mysef so hard..... I'm a really screwed up teenager who just needs to set my life straight again and my priorities straight too.

The big question is, what is the motivation I'm lacking.......... even if you say its laziness, some thing is causing the laziness...... If I'm motivated, I won't be that lazy, come on..... I know I'm not like that, I will fight for what I want and will get it if there's some thing for me to fight for in the end, I know I'm like that, but what? What am I missing? Is it her? Thats the question I've been asking myself for 5 months now, and because of the reaction she gives me, I can't determine whether it is worth it or not? But my heart asks me to go on and fight on, though its bleak, but I'm trying.

I like her smile, I like the way she walks, the way she has her favourite colour on everything she owns, the way she sleeps on her table like a little baby, the way she says "okie!", the way she giggles, the way her half-blur face when she looks at people, the way she talks when she's shy, the kid-like tone in her voice, her calmness in dealing with difficult stuff, the way she laughs when she hears a joke, the way she ties up her hair and puts in down sometimes, even the way she says "hi" to me is special. When I think of her I giggle. When I feel sad, I think of her and things get better for me. When I cannot sleep, I repeat her name in my mind until I fall asleep. When I see her, my face go red like a tomato. I dream of her from time to time and wake feeling happy after dreaming of her. I feel sad later knowing that it wasn't reality but just a dream. When I don't dream of her, I kick myself thinking,"why didn't I dream of her??!!!". I miss her just after a few days not seeing her, and I start to get depressed.

After saying all that, why am I still not convinced that I have fallen in love, but thinking that its just more of an infatuation? Is it because I'm still a teenager? That's why I think that way? I keep contradicting myself, thats why I'm screwed up, anyway, if anyone can give me an answer, I'll be glad to have it. Its 2 am now, its really really late, got school tmr, so toodles and nitez everyone.....


huifang said...

I know who u liked.
Did you tell her the same thing u had in your mind like what you've written here?
Whether is it Love or Infatuation, i guess only you know.
It's STPM year, but that doesn't mean you cant think of LOVE.
You've gotta get your priorities right, friend. You can either keep on thinking that sth screwed up your life, the sth that made u lazy,unmotivated, or find a solution to all these problems.
if you really screw up ur STPM, you'd probably lose both your Love and Future. (but of course if u're thinking of own sponsorship to private or overseas uni,i have nth to say)
I know my comments are kinda offensive, but sometimes i c you at school like sooo haih...i also dunno how to describe.
You can be so good in singing, i bet you can also do well in your studies.=)

huifang said...

erm.....i heard from my classmates la. she played an instrument tat day oso ma.....=S

Arize said...

I have the answer just thinking should I write here or do you want me to mail it to you it's super long or do you want me to blog as a post in my blog?

Arize said...

It's been two long years for me until I finally breakthrough and actually felt a huge burden off my shoulders. After the telling and the forgetting.

Don't avoid love, love will "haunt" you back. By telling the other person how you feel will make you feel better. But don't hold on too long if she says no.
I held on for two years, letting him know how I felt, he feels the same, cares for me, but I have no idea what's holding him back.

Until today he never mention yes or no. Yeah a lot of people ask me to just forget him. But it wasn't easy. I have jeopardize our friendship for love.
These years, it didn't affect my studies because when it came to studying, I took studying seriously.

But the consequnces of loving this guy here are just hurt, emo, sad, moody, jealousy and heart broken.
A lot of friendship being broken because of l-o-v-e though not directly but indirectly. Because he couldn't decide, it hurt a lot of people.

And I just say to myself, is it worth it for love? Is it worth your time, your effort, your future? Start asking yourself these questions. Come back to me if you still have no answers.

You didn't screw up your life.
Sometimes I do understand guys. Afraid of commitments. I don't know how does it feel like being afraid to commit but I can tell you that everything will be all right.

First step is to let go of the past. Both good and bad. It's super hard for me. Took me two weeks to understand this whole passage.

Are you determined to forget what lies behind?
I know many people don't fully understand what it means to forget the past.
They wonder, "How can I forget something that has happened to me?"
But one definition of the word forget means to disregard intentionally, or to overlook.
You have to intentionally disregard your past so that it doesn't keep you from moving forward.
That means the good and the bad.
Sometimes our past victories keep us from rising higher as much as past failures.
If we don't let go of the old, we'll never be able to embrace the new.
It doesn't matter what has happened in your history, it's time to forget what lies behind.

Just think about this, if you don't get the results you desired, who to be blamed? Are you going to blame yourself for the rest of your life?

Try not to take it so hard on yourself. It's not your fault and you're not trying to escape of responsibilities. You're just confused to make the decision and it's hard. How I wish technology can capture how a person actually feels and show it to you how much I understand you.

I'm sorry if this didn't help much. But I hope you'll make the right choice today. I don't want to see another person being in the same position as I do for so long.

If there's anything else that you need just let me know I'm always here for you. Be patient and the best things in life will be yours.

Cheers mate! Don't be so uptight and all the best in your coming exams

Arize said...

Yeah two years is just too long but I really appreciate these moments we spend together as a friend.

Yeah that was what I did in the bathroom until I can hear my mum screaming and begging for me to come out. Mostly crying inside. It's actually nice to cry while showering, the water just wash away the tears. Whether it's infatuation or is it love, only time can tell.

Instead of struggling to find the answer, why not use this time and spend it with her even as a friend. At least down the road, reminisce on this, you won't regret that you actually did something meaningful together. Perhaps a movie, or maybe invite other friends as well then it won't look like it's a date.

Yes when we're "in love" we tend to remember every detail of that person and it does affect how we feel, how we act.
I can still remember the time, date, day, year and place where I met him! And it was in 2006! Also that was the first time and the last time we actually held hands without realising it until our friends "caught" us red handed. How embarrassing!

It's like, it is still fresh in my mind as if it just happened yesterday. What he said to me when we first met, even what movie we watched & this no one would believe it...what food and drinks that we had...I remember it all. Even he remembers certain things too

All these memories are just for me to reminisce not to harm me but to make me smile when I'm sad. And ya know, I've been too attached to him, I see him twice a week and it has been going on for a year. Now it's so hard for me to leave Penang. And yesterday I was telling him how hard it is for me to leave and he told me that I will not be forgotten. Maybe that's what I needed to hear from him.

Even now I still feel for him but I try not to say things that might hurt him. Seeing him happy is my duty as a friend to him. It doesn't even hurt anymore. It doesn't even matter now if we were to be together because what is more important now to me is my friendship with him. I wouldn't want to put our friendship at stake again.

Well, I'll definitely have a party as I know those crazy peeps will cekik me if I don't! Lol.

Anyways, these things take some time before it can be settled so be patient and I know you'll find your answers. Keep waiting for it to come. Wishing you lots of luck :)