Ok, this time, its 1 am in the morning, so sue me! I'm having trouble sleeping these days, mind filled with a lot things not supposed to be thinking in Form 6, when you're having STPM in like 11 months or so. I don't think I can lie to myself anymore, matters of the heart are really affecting me badly these days, I can't concentrate on a lot of things, I pretend that life is all well, but I'm so messed up inside because I can't make the decision of whether to accept the way I feel about someone or to uphold my duties as a student and a son and stop thinking about "LOVE", there I said it. I keep thinking that Its just a phase where I will grow out from because this is seriously not the time to be thinking of these things. And I find out, the more I'm trying to avoid it, the more I think about it and it bugs me more than ever. Don't get me wrong, I love thinking about romance, it practically lifts my spirits up when I think about it, just that the timing is not right, and its really hard for me to control my emotions. I can't control my emotions......only my actions..... Sometimes I feel so pissed I would like to just bang my head on the wall. Its STPM year and what the hell am I thinking??? And when I ask friends "what should I do?", the 1st thing is, think your books, not love or emotional support, you can do that by your own, but to tell you the truth, I can't...... Or maybe just like my last post, I'm just escaping adulthood, escaping my responsibilities..... Over and over I think it again, is it because I'm lacking something right now in my life, that it just render me unmotivated to do anything, or am I just escaping my responsibilities as it is? Most people will tell me the 2nd 1, I can tell you that, and will think that I'm childish, or maybe its just me fighting with mysef so hard..... I'm a really screwed up teenager who just needs to set my life straight again and my priorities straight too.
The big question is, what is the motivation I'm lacking.......... even if you say its laziness, some thing is causing the laziness...... If I'm motivated, I won't be that lazy, come on..... I know I'm not like that, I will fight for what I want and will get it if there's some thing for me to fight for in the end, I know I'm like that, but what? What am I missing? Is it her? Thats the question I've been asking myself for 5 months now, and because of the reaction she gives me, I can't determine whether it is worth it or not? But my heart asks me to go on and fight on, though its bleak, but I'm trying.
I like her smile, I like the way she walks, the way she has her favourite colour on everything she owns, the way she sleeps on her table like a little baby, the way she says "okie!", the way she giggles, the way her half-blur face when she looks at people, the way she talks when she's shy, the kid-like tone in her voice, her calmness in dealing with difficult stuff, the way she laughs when she hears a joke, the way she ties up her hair and puts in down sometimes, even the way she says "hi" to me is special. When I think of her I giggle. When I feel sad, I think of her and things get better for me. When I cannot sleep, I repeat her name in my mind until I fall asleep. When I see her, my face go red like a tomato. I dream of her from time to time and wake feeling happy after dreaming of her. I feel sad later knowing that it wasn't reality but just a dream. When I don't dream of her, I kick myself thinking,"why didn't I dream of her??!!!". I miss her just after a few days not seeing her, and I start to get depressed.
After saying all that, why am I still not convinced that I have fallen in love, but thinking that its just more of an infatuation? Is it because I'm still a teenager? That's why I think that way? I keep contradicting myself, thats why I'm screwed up, anyway, if anyone can give me an answer, I'll be glad to have it. Its 2 am now, its really really late, got school tmr, so toodles and nitez everyone.....